Painful

It's been a painful morning and it's only 10 a.m.  My interactions with YBBK have exhausted me.  He is now looking for every flaw he can find in me.  I guess it is a defense mechanism to drive me from his feelings.  It is killing me though.  I opened up so much to him and have so much affection for him.  I want to help him through this, even if it there is no chance of a future for us.

But, I'm not sure I'm strong enough.  I know I'm a good person but I'm so hard on myself.  Having someone else tell me/imply that I am lacking integrity and honor may be more than I can bear right now.  And, more than anything, I want to fight for this relationship.  I know it was right.  I can still feel it was right.  Could I be that wrong?  Was it really not right?  Was I off base in everything I saw and felt? 

I've tried so hard to tune in my "picker", as I've been advised.  Scrutinizing men, weeding out those who dont' have integrity or have the potential to do me harm.  Being "ridiculously picky" (as Boo calls it) to prevent getting hurt.  Holding off on getting physical until I'm sure of my and their affections...that's the rule I broke.  I can't even figure out how, either.  I just don't break that one!  Not since the cheating ex, any way.

I'm not sure what to do.  I've had moments where I could focus on work but for the most part, I just want to go home and cry.  I may indulge myself in that.  But, I know it will more likely than not be counterproductive and cause more stress later. 

I want to hold him.  To make him feel better.  To let him crawl inside my head and heart and see what is there so he can believe in me.  I haven't felt the happiness I had with him for as long as I can remember. I want him back and sadly, I believe that is the furthest thing from his desires.