Friday Night

It is the first Friday night, in as long as I can remember, that I spent without YBBK.  That thought popped into my head on my drive home tonight.  It made me sad. But I replaced it with the thought that he probably didn't think it.  That he probably didn't notice or miss me.   He probably has been seeking out, communicating with women online and has already been on a date. I'm sure it won't take him long to move on, so I am not allowed to lament the situation either.

Tonight, I was told that the only reason he came back when he did was because he was lonely.  It seemed so true that it was as if my heart was stabbed 23 times.  It is odd how people in the group knew we were split.  I told only my three closest friends and I know they told no one because I swore them to secrecy.  I trust them.  So either people surmised it or YBBK told the missy who flirts with all and she blabbed.  It isn't that I care that people knew; I'm just so tired of people wanting to ask me questions and talk about my personal life.  Any way, I figure the news is out but still refused to elaborate for anyone but my close friend who was there.  I don't think anyone over heard, but one never knows. 

So I spent the night singing and dancing.  It was good to sing to the songs that touched my pain. I sang and let it out.  I danced and let it out.  I let the music minister to my soul and heal me. And as always, the group didn't let me down.  I had plenty of dance partners....it was a joy to feel that way.  And for awhile, I knew that all would be well with the world.  My friends wanted me to stay in town with them.  I almost conceded and wished I had.  That way, I wouldn't have thought of him on the long drive home.  I wouldn't have missed driving with him and I wouldn't wish I could snuggle up next to him tonight.  I know those wishes will fade and for the most part, one of my girls will drive the drive with me and I won't have time to think those thoughts.  That in time, the fun of singing and dancing all night won't be worn off, so when I throw myself into bed, I'll fall into a happy slumber.

But for now, I'll have to ward off missing him with thoughts of how I wasn't enough for him.  How, as my one friend put it, "you are beautiful, charming, smart and as sweet as can be and i'm sure the sex was great.   He just somehow missed that.  He can't be ready."   It was so sweet of her to say that.  I'm sure to comfort me. But maybe the sex wasn't good for him.  Or maybe he didn't find me attractive - he seems to like large buxom blonds...neither of which describe me!  Maybe he doesn't really like smart or being challenged...although I conceded much too much with him.  It doesn't really matter...the why doesn't matter. 

It is the fact that I wasn't good enough for him and he constantly looked elsewhere.  That is enough for me to sing that silly country song at the top of my lungs...luckily I can't remember the words or the tune.  I'm so embarrassed I sang a country song - must be I repressed that memory, huh C2?!  But, I sang it and I meant it.  Good night!