More on Today

This morning, my cousin wrote me, “Sorry about the bf - I know you really cared about him. You’ve had a rough start to this year.” Of course, I cried. But it helped me to understand how I am feeling today. I’m sad because I miss him. I miss him because I care for him. I wanted to help him through this turbulent time and want the best for him. And, it’s sad for me to know that I am not who he wants and he needs to journey on his own. I know the “why” doesn’t matter. I don’t think it ever helps to get that “why” answer or if anyone can truly provide it. I just have to know it is and I have to accept this. I know what to do to heal my heart. I just have to be diligent at the task.

My cousin and I were talking about ‘Lil Sis. Like us all, she has been confused and hurt by Lil Sis’s behavior. I did have something to say and I hope it helped.  I told her… I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you what advice I was given by my very good friend. She said, "Your sister is a mess. We aren't sure why but we do know she is a mess. And, all you can do right now is love her. She may continue to reject you and your love, but you know the right thing to do is still the right thing to do. Just love her. Your friends and family will continue to love you and recharge you. So you have love to give, perhaps her love has run out. Give her yours." It kinda reminded me of something Grandma would say...so I figured Grandma put those words in my friend’s mouth so I would hear them and I took them to heart.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I had lots of dreams. I’m not sure I understand them as they all centered around school/college. I usually have school/anxiety dreams when big changes are coming or I’m concerned about stuff I have to do. I can’t think of either right now.

The first dream was about a quiz. I hadn’t showed up to the first couple classes. Then went to the third class to take the quiz. I kept forgetting about class or something because I had the quiz with a 75% grade but a note from the teach saying he had given me lots of partial credit and if I would meet with him to explain the answers, he would return the credit (a percent based on when I managed to get back with him). I had missed the first deadline because, for some reason, I hadn’t even looked at the returned quiz. I asked him if I could go over it right then and there but he had to put me off. So I asked if I could get that deadline’s worth of points when we did meet and he agreed. I was amazed at him being so compliant. I walked away knowing I could explain the answers because while I hadn’t been to class, I know the answers from having worked as an engineer.

The second dream was about renovating a room. I don’t have much detail…mostly feelings of the dream. It was a dorm room, though. And we were fixing it up. I remember tearing out stuff…closet doors are the only thing I remember for sure. But then, realizing the doors didn’t need to come off. But we figured the job of something else would be easier with them off. There was a deadline we were working against and me thinking, “We are mostly tearing out. Will we ever get this built up in time?”

The third was the typical bathroom dream. Looking for a bathroom and not finding a private place to go. But it took place in a dorm. I walked into the bathrooms and they were lavish places with big tubs but windows for people in the hallways to see in. The tubs were like big bowls that once you climbed into them, you were above the eyesight of people walking by, so all they’d see was your head. But there were no toilets. I kept walking around and found dressing rooms, make up counters, and more tubs. The more I walked around, the more girls were showing up to get into the tubs. There was only one toilet but it was amongst the tubs and open to the window in the hallway. I woke up because I shouted, “Why can’t I find a toilet when I’m looking for one.”

It seems odd that all three had deadlines of sorts (bathroom is kinda a deadline) and me not being able to meet it. In the first one, it was because I didn’t really seem capable of remembering that I had this class (which is a typical dream I have – going to fail a class because I forgot to go). In the second one, it was because we just didn’t have enough time. And in the third, it was completely out of my control.

Other than the deadline and taking place in school, I’m not sure what they have in common, why I dreamed them or why I remembered them as vividly as I do (if I could draw, I could draw a layout of the “tub room” from the third dream). There is obviously something my subconscious wants me to know…just not sure what it is.