Introspection

So I was thinking about honesty and integrity. If you look throughout your day, there are constant challenges to face. And sometimes, the easy way is to go with the flow and not stand up for what you believe or not be completely open and honest about a situation. Or just not even think about it.

I love my father despite him behaving in a completely selfish way that destroyed my Mom and hurt my family. Ironically it was he who instilled in me the value of integrity. One day, when I was fairly young, he told me, “In this world you come in with nothing and are given your name. Many things will come and go but you will have your name until you die. Don’t ruin it.” Those words have stuck in my brain my entire life.

Whenever I approach a dilemma and wonder how I should handle a difficult situation, I remember what Dad told me. My name is my honor and my honor is what I carry with me. Only I can besmirch it through my actions. My honor and integrity are precious to me.

I get frazzled when my intentions are questioned. In part, because I am not used to it. I think of my intentions as being good. But when they are questioned so strongly, I wonder if there is something else going on with me that I’m missing. It plucks at my insecurity in every way possible. I wonder if I am not good enough. I’ve always feared I am not. Picked on in high school for being odd, never fitting in with any group of friends. Too free spirited for the brainiacs, too athletic for the partiers, too social for the jocks and too poor (and weird) for the popular crowd. I had a few tight friends, but for the most part I felt inadequate. As an adult, when I am under scrutiny, all those fears and insecurities come flooding back. So when I get asked question after question, looking for flaws in my character, all I can think is, “I am not good enough.” And, it hurts.

I am a good person. I act with honor and integrity. I care about other people and do whatever I can to help them. I don’t judge others; it isn’t my place to judge. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t believe lying and cheating are even options on the table. When I care about someone, I will do anything for them….that, is my fatal flaw. I know that. I spoil my child and I spoil my other one. They drive me crazy and I let them. I spoil my friends and sometimes don’t stand up for myself. But, it’s because I care so much for them. It reminds me of my Grandma.

She was in the hospital for months…in pain. She wanted to die. And, while we all loved her more than life itself, we too wanted this for her. But for some reason, she stayed with us for several months. I would pray for God to relieve her suffering and was so angry because He didn’t. If there was ever any person on this earth who was as devoted, kind, caring, honest, loving, faithful and pure and deserved His mercy, it was her. But still, she suffered.

At her funeral, I heard my Grandfather say, “I don’t know what I will do without her. I know when she first came into the hospital there was no way I could handle loosing her. But now, I think I can go on without her…although, I’m not sure.’ It hit me then. While every other relative was praying for Grandma to die, Grandpa wasn’t. He couldn’t let go of her. And, God knew Grandma’s heart. Grandma would put her suffering before his. It was how she was wired and who she was.

I know that trait because I have that trait. It is beautiful in others but not so much fun to have at times. It is my blessing and my curse.