Do it anyway

I’m getting a lot of support from my girlfriends (and gay BF). I didn’t have this network when the lying cheating ex hurt me. I had let myself become isolated. I think I was on the way to that again. Maybe that is one of the things that scares me.

My friends tell me he is missing out. That he is chasing something that doesn’t exist. That I have learned but everyone must learn in their own way. They say other mean things, too. They tell me I’m beautiful and point out how other men are interested in me. Other men are always interested in me…not trying to be arrogant, but it’s true. It’s usually me who is not interested in them. Most bore me to tears with their lack of intelligence. And those who are intellectually worthy are even more boring. So, other men offer no consolation to me.

But what consoles me are my friend – that I didn’t join the stupid groups to meet men. I joined to make friends. To have a social network. To have fun and enjoy a place that despite 20 years of occupancy is still foreign to me. And, before YBBK came along, I was having fun. Of course I’d meet men. I always do. And, I’d entertain the men that were interested until I decided they weren’t worthy. Maybe hoping but never really believing. I’d keep my heart and body to myself until I was sure.  And, I was never sure. While keeping my body and heart to myself seems like a right wing conservative dictate (ooo how I just love those!), it is a way to be safe and one of the few good ideas that come from that side.

Then, I didn’t protect myself and I got hurt…badly hurt. It was fun while it lasted but like grabbing onto a fan that is whirling in high speed…the ride is great but the landing hurts like hell! Not sure I’ll be up to doing that again.

So, I’ve laid here and cried on the floor for a bit. And, my friends have come in droves to help pick me up. They will hold me up and dust me off. They will support me while my wounds heal and help me to walk again. When I am around them, I can’t help but be happy. Who can be upset when they are dancing? And, I dance with my friends!

Before PJ came along, I was happy with my life. I was willing to go it alone. But he brought so much joy and love back to me. I remembered what it was like to believe in love. I remembered what it was like to have someone care and take care of me. But his inability to commit devastated me. It took almost a year (well maybe 9 months) before I could think about dating again. But, like just like roomie, “we have the technology, we can rebuild her.”

And each time, I’m stronger than the last. I was stronger in the relationship with YBBK. I trusted. I haven’t trusted since the ex bastard (he has so many colorful names, doesn’t he?). I barely trusted PJ, even though I knew him before the ex. But I gave YBBK all my trust. That took courage that I didn’t think I had. He betrayed the trust, but I’m still okay. I’ve got some wounds. I’ve got hurt. But I proved to myself that I can open myself up, let someone look in and trust again. That’s huge. Maybe that is why the big G let this happen to me.

I think people come along beside you for a reason or a season (so rarely a lifetime). And YBBK was to help me through the torment of mom’s death (even though I didn’t show him all the pain) and to teach me to trust, even when someone hasn't “earned” my trust. Maybe that is what loving and being a Christian is about. “If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere any way.”

I’m still sad. I’m still hurt. I’m still scared. But above it all, I have hope.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Found on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children