Fixin'

I am so sad. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I know the right thing to do was to back away from the relationship with YBBK. I am almost positive he needs more healing time from his divorce and us being together was not allowing him to get that. It just makes me so sad to know that it has to be this way. I fell hard for him. I try to understand why but know it is simply because he is such an amazing person. Of course, that makes it that much more difficult to accept the situation at hand.

I was hoping the contact and the friendship would ease the pain but it doesn’t. The contact doesn’t make it harder but it doesn’t make it easier. I still want to see him every night and wake up next to him in the morning. I want to know that he feels the same way. I want us to be free from outside distractions and inner demons. I want what we had back One of the worst seasons of my life (losing mom) was made beautiful by him. I want the beauty back in the worst way. But I don’t see that as something that can happen.

So all I can do is be sad. I think this is best for him and that is what you do. You do what is best for the people you love. I have to let him do this on his own. It is the only true course.

I have to figure out how to move out of this sadness and find the content place I was before he swept me off my feet. But all I want to do is run and hide. I want to crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out for days on end. I want to go home to Roomie and have her fix me.   Roomie, as much as you miss me and need my love and understanding , I need you.  Because I really need some fixin about now.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay