Starry Night

I write this blog to record my deepest feelings. I started it because I was betrayed in the worst way by a selfish coward. I loved him deeply and never considered allowing my heart to stray while we were together. It was because of that loyalty that his affair with another woman devastated me. I couldn’t breathe for days. Literally…I went into asthma that I couldn’t control. I felt that I had been sucker punched, you know when you get hit in the solar plexus without being able to tense up and so your breathe is literally forced from your body. It takes a few moments for it to come back. But this sucker punch lasted for a week. I lost all ability to consume food. The thought of eating disgusted me. I’d try but eventually get sick. I got to the point where I was so weak, I was afraid I might need to be hospitalized. When I finally opened up to PR, I found my breath. Then, he taught me how to eat again. And, the amazing counselor told me to write. To write with the passion that burned in my soul. To allow myself to feel the emotions I was suppressing and to put them out there. To acknowledge and explore everything. Because from this I would learn and I would heal. So I wrote with great abandon. I wrote of my hatred of his betrayal. I wrote of my feelings of unworthiness. I wrote of my fear of being thrust into a world of uncertainty. I wrote of everything I felt. I sent some to friends but most of my inner and deepest thoughts I posted here on this blog. And through the love of friends, my writings and God’s grace, I was healed.

I continued to write. It provides solace to me. I can be funny, angry, hurt, happy, sad, sarcastic…I can ride my emotional roller coaster without fear of people looking at me like I am a bit crazy. I have told very few people about the blog for this very reason. Only my closest friends know of its existence. And pretty much only BFE and BFF read it. I know they know and love me and therefore understand the words that are written. And if they don’t, they ask me.

It is for this reason, I was a bit taken back when YBBK had found my blog. He didn’t know me well and I didn’t want him to see that much into me. So, I asked him not to look. Maybe it was naïve of me to believe he was trustworthy enough to not look, but despite it all, I believe that when you are in a monogamous relationship, you trust the other person. To do otherwise just destroys it. He eventually invaded my privacy and read my blog. He didn’t trust me to an answer I gave him about a past relationship. Yes, past. It was over and done with and I wanted to leave it in the past. I should have just said that to him rather than “glaze over the truth” (aka lie). But I didn’t. But, after he read it, he could have come clean. But he didn’t. So not only did he break his promise to me, he lied by not telling me what he did and he continued to conceal the truth from my by reading my blog. He told me I lacked integrity. I’m not sure but I pretty sure he lacked it too. I found out he was reading it when the thought occurred to me to lock it down and then, he finally admitted to it. I was shocked because I had trusted him. But, considering his back story and the torment he went through, I could understand. Funny, though, he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to tell him about a past relationship. Does he not know how insecure he is when it comes to other guys? It was my insecurity about his that lead me to behave in a way outside of my normal behavior pattern. I thought he understood that when he finally acknowledged that he had done the same. I guess he is a bit of a hypocrite, too.

After, I told him I trusted him enough not to read it, so I would unlock it. But he continued to read it. When I asked if he was, he said yes, but not the old stuff. WTF? Did he not recall me asking him to not read it? I didn’t ask again. I was a bit miffed and decided it needed to wait.

But the request never got a chance to come from my lips. Because before it could, he decided to end it with me. Funny, right after I jumped on a plane to go visit him. He thought it was for sex. That should have been my first clue as to how he felt about me. I thought it would be fun to be there for him. I had the time and I wanted us to be away and just reconnect again. But, I guess he didn’t see that. He didn’t realize that it was out of caring for the relationship that I wanted to be there. I guess he really didn’t care about it any more and was in it for the sex. Why else would he have thought it was my reason for coming to see him?

While I was there visiting him, he was looking online at dating sites. Who does that? With the other person in the room with you. Hello, we were in a monogamous relationship. You don’t go on line and look at other women. You don’t open your heart to other possibilities. You fucking guard your heart. When you guard your heart, you are able to talk to and be friendly to the opposite sex because your heart is being held for the person you care about. You don’t think about kissing, holding or screwing other people. You just don’t. But he did. All along I thought his possessiveness and concerns about me looking at/talking to other guys stemmed from his being cheated on. But now, it appears it was because when he was engaged with the opposite sex, he was thinking of the possibilities of dating them. And because he couldn’t be loyal, he didn’t think I could. Because he wasn’t being trustworthy, I wasn’t trustworthy either. I never once considered another man when I was with him. I don’t do that.

He has been very selfish since we broke up. He’s toyed with my heart. He knows I still have feelings for him. But, since he is feeling a bit bad himself, instead of treating me with respect, he flirts with me. You don’t do that. You can be cordial, you can be nice, but you don’t flirt. You don’t put your arms around that person and hold them. You don’t kiss them. You don’t send them flirty texts. You just don’t because they love you and want more than anything else to be back with you. He should know this because his ex-wife tormented him for months after they separated. Doesn’t he know how that made him feel? Doesn’t he realize it that he is doing the same to me, just in a different way?

And finally, after I asked him not to talk to (in front of me) a girl that he admitted to being interested in. A girl he got to know while I was away at my mom’s funeral. A girl with whom he didn’t guard his heart while he was seeing me. As far as I am concerned, that is cheating. It must be why this is hurting in such a poignant way. PJ hurt, but not like this because he never considered another woman. This hurt has stirred up all that the cowardly ex did to me. One of my friends said, this should just be a bruise to your ego, why all the pain? And, I think that is why. To be betrayed by someone who has gone through it and who is so selfish and cared so little for me, while I opened up to him, well that hurts more than I can say. I believe he went out of his way to “run into” her last night. He said he didn’t, but he knew it was killing me but he continued to talk to her for a half hour. If he hadn’t planned it, he could have ended the conversation at any point. Instead he stayed with her as long as he could. He was so selfish and unconcerned about me. All he wanted was to satisfy his need of conquest - right in front of me. Nothing could have hurt me more. It’s selfish and cruel to do that.

He could have given me a little respect. But I think that was the problem all along, I don’t think he respected me. I broke my rules with him. I’m not sure why. I normally follow them closely. I have them to protect me from guys that prey on women in this way. It weeds out selfish, untrustworthy guys. I guess I was snowed, as everyone else was. Thinking he really cared for me. It’s funny how many people said they thought he truly cares for me. How could he have fooled everyone in this way? I can understand fooling me. But fooling our friends and acquaintances – how did he do that?

Funny thing is, I don’t think of him as an awful person. Just a person who has been through hell and is acting in an awful way. But then again, I always like to think the best of people. I’m hopeful like that. It is probably the one trait that causes me the most pain. But, I won’t give it up.

Last night I met a guy who is good looking and sweet. He asked me four times to go out with him. I told him no. I can’t even consider dating right now. But, I did finally give him my number. When he calls, I’ll tell him all that I’ve been through with another guy from the group (still protecting YBBK – although he has probably already thrown me under the bus to the chickie he wants to make himself look good), why I wasn't eating and almost passed out, and my past marriages. I’ll tell him my rules…no kissing for at least three dates but he can hold my hand. No sex til I care for and trust him. I’ll tell him he has to prove himself to me before I’ll open up to him. It won’t take much to make him run for cover.  I don't want to subject him or anyone to my pain right now. 

I always hide my pain from others.  It's what I do.  I take my space.  But I will also let my good friends help me to heal.  I need them to prove to me that my type of sensitivity doesn’t have to be destroyed in this world.


Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.

But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

p.s. Vincent was insane, I am not.