Little mice feet

The doubts creep in on little mice feet but go off like a gong in my head.
My Marine storms in with powerful blows and soothes me til they’re dead.

I miss my Roomie. When I would feel like this, we’d sit on the couch and talk. I’d sort out the feelings I was feeling just by talking and having her gently listen to me. Since mom died, she is probably the only person left on this planet that loves me unconditionally. I’m lucky to have her and to know the feeling that no matter how you screw up, this person will forgive and love you because they know your heart.

I think and believe Roomie agrees that I have a good heart and act with the purest of intentions. I don’t think I crave attention and go out of my way to get it from other people. I do believe I try to care for people – it is one of my gifts. I have such a compassionate heart. It hurts me to see a human or animal hurting. It hurts me as if the hurt is my own. I wonder if other people feel like that. I think it can’t be when I look at how horribly people treat each other. I think I relate well to children because they seem to have this same quality. Perhaps people grow out of the quality. I don’t want to grow out of it and become callous. But sometimes this quality hurts me immensely. It has lately. Roomie would remind me it is my choice to be like this and it is one of the things she loves about me.

I hate my body right now. I’m the heaviest I’ve been in years. I know it is a result of too much food and too little activity. I know my activity was impeded due to physical issues. But I still feel awful about it. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror for letting myself get this way. I don’t think YBBK sees me as attractive. He spoke to me about how good looking his ex was and I’m glad he couldn’t see how much it hurt me. I know it was just a “fact comment” but it still hurt, perhaps because I was already feeling vulnerable in our relationship but also because I feel so unattractive myself. But, while he tells me I’m fun and smart, he’s never told me I’m pretty. It’s silly to need this and it seems to always come up in my life. But, I need that so much. And right now, I feel ugly and undesirable. I’m working on the exercise and eating (well the eating is a mess) to do something about it and trying not to let the demon haunt me. Roomie understands how important the “pretty” thing is and always seemed to help with my esteem. I sometimes think only girls understand this.

I’m worried about Boo. I know now is a critical time for her. I so want her to make friends and be happy at school. I want her to love college the way I did. I feel helpless in that I don’t know what more I can do. I feel like I fell short in preparing her for this. I feel like a bad mom. Roomie would understand this and point out all that I did right. She would point out her own “failings” at an early age, as well as other people’s who turned out wonderful (like her) to help ease my worry. She’d tell me the big G will take care of Boo but it is okay for me to be scared and worry…that all good moms do that. She’d understand even though she isn’t a parent. She’s amazing like that.

I’d tell her how I wonder about YBBK and how scared I am he will hurt me. She’d tell me, like she’s told me before, “that’s okay Suga, if he breaks you, you can just come to me and I’ll fix you up like I fixed you up before. You just let yourself go and know I’ll be here to catch you.”

Most importantly, she’d point out that right now, I need chocolate…because that is what I taught her. This special week of the month, where our hormones go crazy and make us weepy (or crazy in her case!), chocolate is a magic elixir. It soothes the gonging in the head. It creates the feeling of well being.

Roomie always reminds me of what I should know – but with the utmost love. She speaks with kindness and the motivation to help me grow. Honesty with compassion…that’s what we value and how we roll. And, it’s why I miss her so.