Some say love is blind, I say it's psychotic

When we are apart, he misses me like crazy. I miss him too. It’s weird to have something happen during the day and think, OMG, YBBK would get a kick out of this. Or YBBK would completely understand. We’ve become amazing friends. It’s not just we’ve both been through a lot of similar stuff, it’s just we seem to “click” on many levels.

But when we are together, the doubts creep in. I try to understand why they creep in for him. In part, I think he’s afraid I’ll hurt him like his ex did. In part, I think he’s afraid he’ll hurt me. He is so sweet and compassionate like that. In part, I think it’s because he’s wondering about other women. But, that may be more my insecurity thinking than anything else. I think we are both crazy jealous…rightly so considering what we’ve been through.

That brings us to the dream. I dreamed I was sitting in a room with a long table. YBBK was there and some non-descript female. I wasn’t quite paying full attention to them. I’m not sure what had me distracted. I seemed to have been engrossed with something out the window. I remember it being bright and perhaps snowy. Then, I realized he was cheating on me. Right there in front of me. And, they acted like they weren’t. She asked me what was wrong. I said, “Seriously, you’re cheating.” The answer from YBBK was, “come on.” I looked at him and said, “I don’t care anymore. You cheated.” Then he asked, “What did you say?” I screamed, “You cheated.”

I woke up. It was almost time to get up. My stomach was in knots. I knew I wouldn’t fall back to sleep. But try as I may, I can’t get the dream out of my head. I’m still sick to my stomach. I wonder if all the pain from the cheating ex has come flooding back. He cheated right in front of my eyes, in my own house, while I was there. He justified his actions. Am I projecting this onto YBBK? Or just that I’m so insecure with him right now that my biggest fear crops up through my subconscious.

It’s crazy really. I absolutely adore YBBK. He is precious to me. He’s been hurt in the worst way, but yet he still manages to care for people. His ex says he lacks compassion. I have no idea where it comes from. He seems to have an overabundance of it at times. He is a good parent and a good friend. He takes care of those around him. He believes in honesty and integrity. He has such wonderful qualities that no matter what happens, I’ll always adore him.

And, it’s this that I need to remember – when the doubts creep in, when I wonder what he is thinking, when I feel like he is scared and not telling me. I need to remember how much we care about each other. All I want to do is help him. I just want to be his best friend and confident. I want to protect him. I believe, for the most part, he has similar feeling for me. I think we need to just stop worrying about the future and live for the day. The future always seems to have a way of showing up and taking care of itself.